“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.