ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”