You Might Also Like
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.