My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
i love modern commerce
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How wrong was this guy?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”