Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Effort made
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
english majors be like furthermore
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
there has never been a better use of this meme
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.