Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Dolls on drugs
We’re all getting idioter.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok