We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.