If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Breaking news:
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
#TopTip
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I get distracted pretty eas