I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Sounds about right! 💯
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Friends that check up on you >
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.