Baking is just science you can eat.
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
that wasn’t the question
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt