Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
i- i did not expect this
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
me after eating Cheetos