History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
December birthdays be like…
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
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