FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
This meal prepping shit easy
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.