Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.