roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
necessity is the mother of invention
Whoa… oh I see lol
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
#SuperBowl
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”