When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…