My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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That’s amazing.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
There’s never enough good news
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run