Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Knock Knock
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby