Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”