I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Hero horse inspires millions
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
me opening up to someone
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name