Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.