I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.