WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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Me: *at the children鈥檚 museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Should I ever go missing, please don鈥檛 let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Ah yes, it鈥檚 that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they鈥檒l bring me to financial ruin
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
me doing my best
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I鈥檓 easily lead.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don鈥檛 like, and back with the co-workers you don鈥檛 like
Everyone thinks I鈥檓 weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face