Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.