my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.