My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Passwords are more important than ever.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.