You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving