teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*launders Kohls cash*
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Mornin. * use accordingly
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ain’t no way
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”