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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
what does he know…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me when my alarm goes off
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
new record!
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?