[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
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.
.
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Squash
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
pls suprot
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?