A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.