How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?