*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.