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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
2022: I can fix it
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.