Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn