IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
dads on road-trips be like
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.