GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
i choose….tongue
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*