[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.