I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff