[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit