[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine