I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above