St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️