Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.