What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
spot the difference
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”