Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea