During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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He’s cranky this morning
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I hate when that happens.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face