I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’