Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.