non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
You Might Also Like
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”